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I have lost weight since you left
For days before I broke the news that I was ready to leave you
I cried and gagged and threw up in my mouth at the thought of saying it aloud
No food would go down
As the words tried so hard to come up
I finally spewed them all over our space
Blowing chunks of I’m unhappy and you aren’t enough anymore
And watched you wipe the acidic taste from the corners of your mouth
But even after the guilty debris came hurling out
My stomach grumbled at the thought of food
I over chewed my toast and let it turn to mush behind my teeth
Until I forced it down with a gulp of grief
For days I ate like this until I could put down something more solid
Expecting it to come back up with the rest of my sanity
I found comfort in reheating the pasta I cooked the day before you moved out
The only meal that didn’t feel like I had to work for it
Last night I caught a glimpse of my hip bones in the shower
Reflecting my bare skin stretched finely over the hard surface
It was thrilling. Am I getting skinny again?
The thought was brief and just as fast as it felt good it felt like
Shards of glass in my throat
I am not supposed to find pleasure in the appearance of my pain
That protruding bone should be a reminder of the days I spent consumed by how grotesque my body is
The present flatness of my stomach should not make me
want to wear a little shirt any more than I did last week
I hate the pressures within that tell me otherwise
I’ve lost weight since you left
And I am trying really hard not to like it.
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2. |
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i tried to sketch the facade of your home
before i drove there for probably the last time today
i knew there was a porch swing
but i couldn’t get the steps quite right
i forgot where exactly the windows go
and it ended up being sort of generic
so i took down some photos of us too
forcing out push pins rusted into the corkboard
i thought about including one, for when
i drop off a few of your things
but figured that may be cruel
and you probably have enough relics of our memories
I’ll put your street name in my maps
asking for directions, when really i just hoped for a route that i didn’t already memorize
it wasn’t kind or creative enough for that
and as i got closer i started taking your short cuts anyways
we won’t speak today
or even meet eyes
but i’ll feel yours on me
from that top floor window
as i walk to the front door
trying not to cry
thinking to myself, if only love were enough
then i’d walk inside and greet your mother like before
your dog would bark at my ankles and i’d meet her on the floor
your dad would forget my major again
but remember to be impressed
and id make myself at home
before we even kissed
but it’s not, and it won’t be
even if i beg or plead
this love won’t be right for me
and knowing that i keep my keys in the ignition and take the bag,
which feels far too light to be carrying the last of us,
and place it neatly at the door and leave
i won’t let you see me hesitate
because i guess i still think i have something to prove
this week i’m not spending so much time trying not to love you
as i realize how bleak my efforts are
but instead focusing on trying harder to love me
and maybe kissing that boy that thinks i’m pretty from afar
i’ll take one last look as i get back into my car
and blink once, twice, no more.
taking a photo to submit to memory of a house i once considered a second home
filing it under you
and then go get my eyes checked
hoping they don’t see a fractured image
reflecting in my shades of blue
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3. |
Your Shadow in my Sheets
00:37
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i find myself sleeping on your side of the bed lately
rolling over into your imprint
the shadow left behind from your missing weight
even when i try to sleep in the middle
i wake up on the edge
like my body made room for yours last night
but my back was never greeted with the warmth of your chest
or the pressure of your arm draped over my side
it scared me
the first few nights alone
now i’m starting to get comfortable with the empty space
it gives me so much more to take up
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4. |
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the phone lines remain open for one reason
i made it so
i told you that you couldn’t call to hear my voice
knowing how bad i wanted the same thing
what is an emergency
there’s a bee.
i had a bad day at work.
my vape is burning.
this song made me think of you.
all the songs make me think of you.
i miss you.
am i just telling you about my day?
do i just want you to tell me about yours?
do i just want you to want to know about mine?
i’m begging for you to call
and i’ll hate it if you do
i’m listening to old voicemails instead
all i want to say is
come home to me
please
we can do it
we can try again
we can do anything, right?
why can’t i do this
i’m so sorry
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5. |
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do you still cry over me?
think of me at art museums?
find yourself picturing this story from my perspective?
accidentally finding something that your knee jerk reaction is to take a picture of it
to send me but realizing
just before that you can’t,
but still taking the picture anyways?
did you love me like that?
do i have things,
like hand art or tennis rackets or
rainy walks that you didn’t prepare for —
what’s mine
that you still carry?
what’s yours
but is still interlaced with me?
do you know me that well?
would you remember, even if
at one point you did?
i always thought your memory was a curse.
for me, but mostly for you.
is it blessing you lately?
mine was always strong and i’m still forgetting some of your tricks,
some of our laughs,
some.
i wonder what niceties yours is gifting you, maybe they’re blurry,
or hazy
hopefully not silently coated in red
i’ll try to remember for the both of us
but i won’t ring the tile on yours
unless of course,
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6. |
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i thought i told all my stories for the first time for the last time
i thought i’d found the last person that ever had to know my history
i never planned to tell another soul the depth of his effects on me
the trauma of never knowing my body without his plundering
the way his hands ripped me apart and now i guess how yours helped seal me back together
i didn’t expect to be forced to re-explain the way bees make my chest tight and my eyes water and how laughing at my fight or flight is really unsettling
i never wanted to reintroduce or rebrand my misery, the toxic relationship i have with my own thoughts
and the way that crashing my car creeps intrusively into my bad days
i could never have planned for having to re-articulate what level of toasted my toast needs to be for me to eat
the drinking problem of my brother or the abuse of my father or the masculine urge to be pretty or the feminine urge to punch a wall or the flutter of my heart with the first sip of a perfectly proportioned latte
these were mine to hold and to you i shared and never again did i want or plan or expect to need to say it all over again
and now i feel myself saying things too fast
oversharing everything just to get it out
get it over with
to feel known
to be loved
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7. |
Sex with the Lights on
01:22
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the sun is coming out too soon
shining in the corners of my room that i haven’t dusted yet
cauterizing wounds i was soothing by the glow of the moon
making scars where i just needed a bit more time to heal
i feel exposed
my retinas are singed
i cant see the most intimate parts of myself
but i know they’re on display for others
i look down
look inward
and my vision goes black
but i can feel their eyes burning holes through my naked skin, vulnerable soul
and i know i was begging for the sun to come back to me
looking for her in everything
but now we made eye contact
and i can’t stop staring
and the light is too bright for my state of recovery
but i know that i need this
so im fighting the urges to recall the blinds
and forcing myself to keep looking forward
even if i have to do it squinting through tears
because the sun keeps shining
and turning my back to it means turning back to him
and these burns are proof of something bigger than flesh and bones
but of pain and progress and pleasure and peace
of me
and i will find her
or i will go blind searching
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8. |
50 Yard Line
01:33
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my brother was always little for his age. small bones and scrawny, they’d call him. but god was he fast. uncatchable, unstoppable. but I still remember the first time I watched him get hit on the football field. it was so rare that whole stadiums would gasp in unison, stand to their feet, grasp a loved one. I thought he might’ve died. he didn’t get up. I was petrified. he just got the wind knocked out of him. that’s what they all told me. I didn’t understand, but I tried. I don’t know if I remember the first time it happened to me, but I know it really well every time your name appears on my phone. it’s jarring. scary. violent. sharp and stabbing in my lungs, yet dull and brutal in my gut. I lose my breath and can’t find it again. luckily it’s all over the floor. I’m not sure what to do in the market aisle today except call a friend and try not to cry. I do anyway. i hear the same harmonious gasp, grasping at my arm. she says it’s okay. I don’t feel it, but she says it, so I believe her. no one can do it to me quite like you. i knew it in the way your love did and now with just your name. i don’t understand, but i’m trying. I probably won’t breathe normal for the rest of the day. it’s not your fault. it’s no one’s really. I believe her.
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9. |
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I'd never erase you from my memory
I want to remember it all
every excruciating and glorious detail
i could never wipe myself clean of all of you
would never desire it
i want to live in both realities
exist in two places at once
the one where I get new tattoos you'll never touch
and the one where every inch of my body has been caressed by yours
I'm afraid to shed all this skin
in seven years who will i be without any remanents of your tips
but im eager to know them so intimately
decorating my soul with ornaments you'll never hold
i want to find a way to live in you eternally
or you in me
knowing i only found certain parts of myself
because of how i learned from you
while pushing to surpass those cavities and
burrowing in somewhere new
like a thrust and a pull
surging in the same direction
i want to embrace the spirit of you so tightly
in my chest I feel it beating and burning
then run with it
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10. |
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La Carretilla Roja Ohio
i write things for myself and now you! here you can listen to me read a few
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